Quotes By Dave Barry
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
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Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
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We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
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Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
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Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
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For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
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If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
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In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
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