Quotes By Steven WrightEverywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.