Quotes By George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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