Quotes By George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
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Think off-center.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
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